3 years later and nothing has changed (Trigger warning: venting)

In October 2019 I sinned against the Holy Spirit by lying to Him, similar to what Ananias and Sapphira did in Acts 5. The only difference is that God had mercy on me and did not kill me physically, possibly because I begged for mercy. However I still feel spiritually dead, and I have no connection to God.

Over the past 3 years I have done many things to try and reconnect with God, to reach out to Him. But I have only been met with silence, or been deceived by this demon who pretended to be God, and out of desperation I believed it.

I have fasted and prayed, I have tried to live as sin free as possible, I have tried deliverance several times to remove this demon and I have asked probably hundreds of people to pray for me. All these efforts have yielded zero results.

This has been very discouraging and demotivating. In the beginning of this whole ordeal, I had lots of faith but that has diminished because nothing ever happens and nothing changes. God seems to either be done with me or He is hiding His face from me as some sort of severe chastisement.

But I have a hard time believing that God would allow a demon to possess a true Christian, a child of God.

Support my work

Did you find this post informative or enjoyable? Consider supporting my work here.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How I became a hikikomori and later a hermit

EDIT: I made a video about this subject as well, check it out here . When I was a child and in high school I had a group of friends. In primary school I was a bit bullied, but in high school I made friends with some more popular kids and the bullying reduced. We would drive our mopeds together, go to parties and later bars/clubs when I was over 18. However I have always had a loner side to me. Even when I was with friends, after a while I would yearn to be at home at my computer, playing games, chatting and surfing the web. In 2011 I went to Hong Kong to study Mandarin Chinese. Although in HK they speak mainly Cantonese. It was mostly a nice trip, I really like Hong Kong. The buildings are huge there and it's very densely populated. It's like a human ant hill. But then one day I went to McDonalds and bought a chicken burger. After this I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Luckily I had travel insurance because it would have cost like $3000 otherwise. However eve
Read more

Why I no longer believe in Christianity

In this post I want to outline why I have stopped believing in Christianity, and left the religion. No benefits and carrying a burden At one point I realized that I wasn't receiving the benefits of Christianity which includes the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), among which are love, joy and peace. I wasn't feeling anxious but I would not classify my feeling as peace, it was more like emotional numbness. Then I did not feel love for God or even my own mother, and I had no joy either. Jesus also says Christians will live life more abundantly (John 10:10), but that was not the case for me. My life pretty much sucked as my cognitive abilities have declined due to schizophrenia and the medications I am using. Additionally I was suffering from intrusive blasphemous thoughts, and had feelings like God was judging me for every thought I had. So I was carrying a burden of maintaining pure thoughts in my mind and I couldn't get rid of this feeling. But Jesus says in the Bibl
Read more

Life has a purpose, but seems to lack objective meaning

Image
If you read my previous post, this might be a bit repetitive, but I had to jot these thoughts down somewhere. Sorry in advance. When I was a religious Christian I thought life had objective meaning. It was to serve God and obey his commandments in the bible. But after deconverting and still seeking wisdom I have found that life seems to lack any true objective meaning. Although humans seem to need it, or the illusion of it, to motivate themselves to continue living, struggling and reproducing. That's why nearly every culture has some sort of religion or ideology that provides meaning. The purpose of life is much easier to decipher. If we look at a fork for example, and observe it being used by a human to eat food, we can understand the purpose of this tool. Similarly by observing biological life on Earth, we can understand its purpose. Living beings steal star energy from each other, and gather material resources for the purpose of reproduction. On the molecular level this is about
Read more

Why I have become a doomer and been blackpilled

There's a couple different areas where I am blackpilled, and this has led me to become a doomer. I still have some faith in God, but my faith in humanity is really low. We are a flawed species. But I still want to be kind to other humans, as that is the change I want to see in the world. Even if we are heading to destruction, be kind to each other. Industrial civilization blackpill As a truth seeker I have been interested in how our industrial civilization works, and from my personal research I have concluded that it is not sustainable. Our current economic model requires infinite growth to sustain itself, but we live on a planet with finite resources, so we cannot grow infinitely. If the economy doesn't grow, then first we get a recession, then a depression and finally the whole system may collapse. Every past human civilization prior to our current global civilization has collapsed, and there's no reason to believe it won't happen with this one as well. Even if Wester
Read more

From agnostic to Christian to monotheist (leaving the door open for Jesus)

This is a really long read, as I go through my whole journey. So you can skip to the sub-heading called "Am I really a child of God?" if you want to know what caused me to start doubting Christianity. Young me When I was young I did get top marks in my religion class and wanted to join Christianity because my friends were in the Lutheran church. But that never happened and I remained an agnostic for most of my life. I am a truth seeker As a truth seeker I wanted to know the truth about everything, so I found out that human civilization has many problems that will be difficult to solve. For example our economic system requires infinite growth to survive, but we live on a finite planet so that is not possible. Also pollution is a big problem stemming from our industrial civilization. Some might argue that climate change is also one significant problem that is hard for us to solve. Humans are also flawed beings, so even if Western civilization bought into all of this and reduced
Read more