Husker Seeks

Maybe I was ungrateful but I felt that my prayers weren't being answered for many years, not enough of them anyway. I also didn't gain much clarity on my spiritual situation until recently. However this compelled me to first question God's goodness and then question the validity of Christianity as a whole. I dove deep into atheist critiques of Christianity and deconstruction stories. After this mind-bending journey Christianity didn't make much logical sense to me. So I decided to not believe in the Bible anymore. While I logically didn't believe, some seed of faith remained in me for whatever reason. So I still believed on a deeper level, I just didn't want to accept it. Perhaps out of anger toward God and pride in my own philosophical ideas. Life outside the church Things didn't change that much from the mental and spiritual aspect. I do have a schizophrenia diagnosis, and it manifests as a demon, that didn't change for better or worse after I stopped ...

I really feel as if I am falling away from the faith. I have so many questions about the Bible, but nobody can answer them to my satisfaction. It's a challenge remaining in the faith when you don't have God actively supporting you. I used to have some love, joy and peace in the beginning, but after I sinned against the Spirit, all of that went away and now it's just a struggle. I have the obligation to stay in the faith so I don't go to hell for sure, but I don't receive the benefits of Christianity such as abundant life, peace, joy, love and the rest of the fruit of the Spirit, among other things.  It feels like God is holding a grudge against me and wants me to fall away. Because He is barely lifting a finger to encourage me to continue in the faith. To be fair I did have two encouraging songs that came on my YouTube playlist at the right time, so maybe that was from God. I am mainly holding on because I have experienced a personal miracle that I believe was from ...

There are some things that should happen after becoming a Christian that are listed in the Bible. For me these things are not coming true anymore (not the ones I want anyway). I did have some of them at the beginning, before I sinned against the Spirit. I think these are signs that I am cut off from God. Living life more abundantly (John 10:10) For me my life is worse than in the beginning, so I am not living life more abundantly. Peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7) I am not anxious, but I would not call this peace either, it's emotional numbness. I don't feel much anxiety and no sorrow, but I also feel no joy or love. But I can laugh at some funny stuff. Love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I don't feel love even for my own mother. Although I choose to care and love God and people, but I would not say it "surpasses knowledge". The fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, t...

I feel no joy or sorrow, or any other emotions, just flat numbness. I can choose to love people and God intellectually, but I don't feel it emotionally. I feel very little enjoyment from anything, I think this is called anhedonia. I don't even get endorphines from working out, so it's just a lot of effort for very little reward.  I basically feel dead inside, my life is like eating rice and drinking water every day for every meal. No salt, no butter, just bland white rice and water. I am in some sort of spiritual prison. And that's when I am not tormented by intrusive thoughts, it gets worse when that happens. So it's really hard to motivate myself to do anything, when the reward for doing anything is near zero. This is not living life more abundantly. This is not having the fruit of the Spirit; love, joy and peace. The only evidence I am a Christian is that I believe in Jesus. I am a bad testimony of how God will fix your life. God's promises came true in the b...

In October 2019 I sinned against the Holy Spirit by lying to Him, similar to what Ananias and Sapphira did in Acts 5. The only difference is that God had mercy on me and did not kill me physically, possibly because I begged for mercy. However I still feel spiritually dead, and I have no connection to God. Over the past 3 years I have done many things to try and reconnect with God, to reach out to Him. But I have only been met with silence, or been deceived by this demon who pretended to be God, and out of desperation I believed it. I have fasted and prayed, I have tried to live as sin free as possible, I have tried deliverance several times to remove this demon and I have asked probably hundreds of people to pray for me. All these efforts have yielded zero results. This has been very discouraging and demotivating. In the beginning of this whole ordeal, I had lots of faith but that has diminished because nothing ever happens and nothing changes. God seems to either be done with me or He...