About

I'm a male born in the late 1980s from northern Europe. I finished high school and a year of college studying business, but then dropped out due to various reasons. I have always been a computer enthusiast and gamer, so in 2014 I founded a tech social media channel that became somewhat successful.

However in spring 2019 I became a Christian, and I began to have feelings of guilt over how I grew the channel. I had a bit of a mental health crisis and this led me to delete the channel and apply for a normal job instead. I worked a normal job for 2-3 weeks and later I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, which I still suffer from to this day.

Back in high school I had a group of friends, but I've always enjoyed being by myself. I used to be a hikikomori who spent most of their time inside, but nowadays I am more of a hermit as I do venture outside. When the weather is nice, mainly during spring and summer, I spend some time outside walking and biking. But during fall and winter I prefer to stay indoors.

In May 2023 I began to question the bible and Christianity. Mainly because of 3 years worth of unanswered prayers and some things I discovered in the bible after critically studying it. I left the religion in June 2023 as Christianity did not make sense to me anymore.

In this blog I want to cover the following topics:

My thoughts about god and religion

I am not an atheist despite leaving Christianity. I went from believing in Jesus to becoming an agnostic monotheist and now I am an agnostic dystheist. Basically I don't know if there is a god or not, but if a god exists then it is at best amoral but more likely generally malevolent. Dystheism has never been that popular and it is poorly explored, so I want to share my thoughts on the possibility of a malevolent god.

Pessimist philosophy

If we take an honest look at our reality without rose-tinted glasses we will notice that it is based on suffering. Pleasure and happiness are fleeting and not guaranteed unlike suffering. Therefore reality seems to be mostly pessimistic for the majority of living beings, and from a philosophical standpoint I consider myself a realistic pessimist. I want to share my thoughts from this perspective.

Doomer news updates

While I am not a Christian anymore I do still think we might be in some kind of end times era for humanity. We are facing many threats such as ecological overshoot, climate change, resource depletion and a technological dystopia with a lot of poverty due to AI, automation and robots taking over jobs. That said I am not a luddite and use AI a lot myself. I have been a news addict and doomer for many years so I want make a weekly doomer news update monitoring the state of the world, inspired by the former doomer blogger Rice Farmer.

That's all for now. See you around!

Popular posts from this blog

How I became a hikikomori and later a hermit

EDIT: I made a video about this subject as well, check it out here . When I was a child and in high school I had a group of friends. In primary school I was a bit bullied, but in high school I made friends with some more popular kids and the bullying reduced. We would drive our mopeds together, go to parties and later bars/clubs when I was over 18. However I have always had a loner side to me. Even when I was with friends, after a while I would yearn to be at home at my computer, playing games, chatting and surfing the web. In 2011 I went to Hong Kong to study Mandarin Chinese. Although in HK they speak mainly Cantonese. It was mostly a nice trip, I really like Hong Kong. The buildings are huge there and it's very densely populated. It's like a human ant hill. But then one day I went to McDonalds and bought a chicken burger. After this I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Luckily I had travel insurance because it would have cost like $3000 otherwise. However eve
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Why I no longer believe in Christianity

In this post I want to outline why I have stopped believing in Christianity, and left the religion. No benefits and carrying a burden At one point I realized that I wasn't receiving the benefits of Christianity which includes the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), among which are love, joy and peace. I wasn't feeling anxious but I would not classify my feeling as peace, it was more like emotional numbness. Then I did not feel love for God or even my own mother, and I had no joy either. Jesus also says Christians will live life more abundantly (John 10:10), but that was not the case for me. My life pretty much sucked as my cognitive abilities have declined due to schizophrenia and the medications I am using. Additionally I was suffering from intrusive blasphemous thoughts, and had feelings like God was judging me for every thought I had. So I was carrying a burden of maintaining pure thoughts in my mind and I couldn't get rid of this feeling. But Jesus says in the Bibl
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Life has a purpose, but seems to lack objective meaning

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If you read my previous post, this might be a bit repetitive, but I had to jot these thoughts down somewhere. Sorry in advance. When I was a religious Christian I thought life had objective meaning. It was to serve God and obey his commandments in the bible. But after deconverting and still seeking wisdom I have found that life seems to lack any true objective meaning. Although humans seem to need it, or the illusion of it, to motivate themselves to continue living, struggling and reproducing. That's why nearly every culture has some sort of religion or ideology that provides meaning. The purpose of life is much easier to decipher. If we look at a fork for example, and observe it being used by a human to eat food, we can understand the purpose of this tool. Similarly by observing biological life on Earth, we can understand its purpose. Living beings steal star energy from each other, and gather material resources for the purpose of reproduction. On the molecular level this is about
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Why I have become a doomer and been blackpilled

There's a couple different areas where I am blackpilled, and this has led me to become a doomer. I still have some faith in God, but my faith in humanity is really low. We are a flawed species. But I still want to be kind to other humans, as that is the change I want to see in the world. Even if we are heading to destruction, be kind to each other. Industrial civilization blackpill As a truth seeker I have been interested in how our industrial civilization works, and from my personal research I have concluded that it is not sustainable. Our current economic model requires infinite growth to sustain itself, but we live on a planet with finite resources, so we cannot grow infinitely. If the economy doesn't grow, then first we get a recession, then a depression and finally the whole system may collapse. Every past human civilization prior to our current global civilization has collapsed, and there's no reason to believe it won't happen with this one as well. Even if Wester
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From agnostic to Christian to monotheist (leaving the door open for Jesus)

This is a really long read, as I go through my whole journey. So you can skip to the sub-heading called "Am I really a child of God?" if you want to know what caused me to start doubting Christianity. Young me When I was young I did get top marks in my religion class and wanted to join Christianity because my friends were in the Lutheran church. But that never happened and I remained an agnostic for most of my life. I am a truth seeker As a truth seeker I wanted to know the truth about everything, so I found out that human civilization has many problems that will be difficult to solve. For example our economic system requires infinite growth to survive, but we live on a finite planet so that is not possible. Also pollution is a big problem stemming from our industrial civilization. Some might argue that climate change is also one significant problem that is hard for us to solve. Humans are also flawed beings, so even if Western civilization bought into all of this and reduced
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