My life is bland and I feel dead inside (Trigger warning: venting)

I feel no joy or sorrow, or any other emotions, just flat numbness. I can choose to love people and God intellectually, but I don't feel it emotionally. I feel very little enjoyment from anything, I think this is called anhedonia. I don't even get endorphines from working out, so it's just a lot of effort for very little reward. 

I basically feel dead inside, my life is like eating rice and drinking water every day for every meal. No salt, no butter, just bland white rice and water. I am in some sort of spiritual prison. And that's when I am not tormented by intrusive thoughts, it gets worse when that happens. So it's really hard to motivate myself to do anything, when the reward for doing anything is near zero.

This is not living life more abundantly. This is not having the fruit of the Spirit; love, joy and peace. The only evidence I am a Christian is that I believe in Jesus. I am a bad testimony of how God will fix your life. God's promises came true in the beginning, I had some love, peace and joy, but now I have not experienced them in years. I can see people around me getting healed while I suffer, and that really hurts. Even people who called God cruel and tried to convince me His miracles were of the devil. They are restored, but I am left to rot. I can't help but feel angry and bitter.

Maybe my purpose is to warn people of disobedience and sin, that they have consequences. I've tried to do that but they won't listen, Christians just say I am mentally ill and should talk to a psychologist. Those responses really annoy me, as if I haven't tried doctors and medicine in 3 years. It doesn't work when the problem is not biological or mental, it's a spiritual problem that needs a spiritual cure. God can heal me, but He chooses not to, and I have to live with that.

That's all for now. God bless.

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