Back in the faith, but doing worse and under psycho-spiritual warfare


Maybe I was ungrateful but I felt that my prayers weren't being answered for many years, not enough of them anyway. I also didn't gain much clarity on my spiritual situation until recently. However this compelled me to first question God's goodness and then question the validity of Christianity as a whole.

I dove deep into atheist critiques of Christianity and deconstruction stories. After this mind-bending journey Christianity didn't make much logical sense to me. So I decided to not believe in the Bible anymore.

While I logically didn't believe, some seed of faith remained in me for whatever reason. So I still believed on a deeper level, I just didn't want to accept it. Perhaps out of anger toward God and pride in my own philosophical ideas.

Life outside the church

Things didn't change that much from the mental and spiritual aspect. I do have a schizophrenia diagnosis, and it manifests as a demon, that didn't change for better or worse after I stopped believing. I still had intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, memory problems and other issues. But I had less stress over them as I didn't care as much.

This led me down a bad path where I first started making pessimistic philosophical content online, which then led to religious critique and eventually blasphemous videos towards the end of November 2024. I also spent a lot of time debating believers on social media and trashing religion and Christianity.

God was still reaching out

During this time God was reaching out to me, giving me various signs that He is real, and even some signs that I may be forgiven for my anti-Christian rampage. For example one time I prayed to Jesus asking if there was still hope for me, and then I began watching a TV show. Towards the end of the TV show the song "Knocking on Heaven's door" started playing and one of the characters told the other character who had done something horrible that they were forgiven.

For a moment I was glad and began thinking about turning back to God. But I couldn't let go of my ideas, maybe there was still some pride there, and I continued my assault on Christianity.

Escalation

I made a really blasphemous video about how Christianity converts members to the religion not too long ago. Also prior to this I lost my calm after a debate and while angry I basically said "eff the trinity" in my mind.

There were a lot of Christians commenting on the video I made and I guess it kind of got to me. Eventually I did take down the video, and my other content too. Then viewing a scary and somewhat hopeless post on the subreddit r/LostChristians a fire was lit under my ass to give Jesus another shot.

That said, is it too late? My blasphemous actions caused a lot of damage to me and others, and I got some signs that would indicate God removed His protection from me and I was now on my own.

There is some hope

However it seems God still hears my prayers as I did pray for confirmation regarding a subject and received it only minutes later when I got on my computer.

My mental symptoms are now worse than they were for the entire past year of my anti-Christian rampage, which is an indication God isn't holding back the demon as much anymore. I'm afraid it will cause me insomnia and perhaps more anhedonia. While I am not a super hedonist and not opposed to some asceticism, it would be nice to eek out even some non-sinful enjoyment out of this life.

For a brief moment my broken arm which had been asymptomatic for 5 years was starting to get nerve pains again. But after I removed my videos and repented they seemed to go away, which is encouraging. 

The demon is trying to mess with me more

What has happened during the past two days is a bit reminiscent of my days in the mental hospital. It would seem this demon pretended to be God and caused me to feel positive emotions to lure me in, then it would impose these demands on me as if it was God doing it. This caused me to fear disobeying God and I submitted to these orders. The orders were sort of in line with my understanding of scripture. But when I asked other believers they interpreted it differently.

For example I was just at my mom's house because I thought God wanted me to bring her a Subway sandwich and have dinner with her. This in itself is of course good. But then when I was there, the demon started commanding me to start and stop eating based on whether or not I thought or said something not entirely accurate or scriptural, or something sinful. It was like living with a loaded gun to my head, I was constantly afraid of angering God and wasn't always able to focus on the conversation as I was battling this in my mind.

After this I kind of realized the manipulation. It's not how Christianity is supposed to be. It's not the real Holy Spirit, but instead a pretender. Now I know not to trust my thoughts and feelings as much anymore, as they are being manipulated.

Anyway, that's all for this days report. Thanks for reading and God bless you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How I became a hikikomori and later a hermit

When I was a child and in high school I had a group of friends. In primary school I was a bit bullied, but in high school I made friends with some more popular kids and the bullying reduced. We would drive our mopeds together, go to parties and later bars/clubs when I was over 18. However I have always had a loner side to me. Even when I was with friends, after a while I would yearn to be at home at my computer, playing games, chatting and surfing the web. In 2011 I went to Hong Kong to study Mandarin Chinese. Although in HK they speak mainly Cantonese. It was mostly a nice trip, I really like Hong Kong. The buildings are huge there and it's very densely populated. It's like a human ant hill. But then one day I went to McDonalds and bought a chicken burger. After this I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Luckily I had travel insurance because it would have cost like $3000 otherwise. However even after I was discharged, I still had stomach problems that just would...
Read more

Having trouble trusting in God

God says in the Bible that His followers who are faithful in the small things, will be entrusted with the big things. Should the same apply to God? If He is faithful in keeping His small promises like providing love, joy and peace (fruit of the Spirit), then we can also trust Him to provide the big promises like forgiveness of sin and eternal life. Right now I am not receiving the small promises, so does that mean I will not receive the big promises either? Or am I missing something, are there conditions to each promise that I am not meeting? Or have I somehow been excluded from these promises despite believing, like for example due to commiting some serious sin?  Because God keeps all His promises. So if I am not receiving them, then I either haven't done my part to receive them (which I think I have because I believe), or I have done something to be excluded from them (an unforgivable sin perhaps). That's all for now. God bless.
Read more