My Christian journey so far
In this post I will write how I came to Jesus and what happened to me as a baby Christian. I am not the best writer, so sorry for that in advance.
First of all I was not born into a devout Christian family. My father left the church the same year I was born, my mother is still in the church but she has a more theist view of Christianity. She believes God is real, and respects Jesus, but does not believe He is the Son of God.
Personally I wasn't taught much about God in my early years, but then in primary school I did get top marks in my religion course and I wanted to join the church because all my friends were in it. But that didn't happen, and I remained more of an agnostic for most of my life.
Seeking the truth
I have always been somewhat of a truth seeker, but I was doing it outside of religion. So I became aware of many problems that humanity has. For example our industrial civilization is consuming too many of our finite resources (oil, coal, gas, minerals etc) and polluting the environment. We are not being good stewards of the earth, and that will cause problems and even threaten the survival of humanity.
First I thought maybe humans can come together and fix these issues. But then I realized we are too flawed as a species (now I realize that is due to our sin nature). Even if all Americans and Europeans started to live more sustainably, people in other nations do not share our beliefs and will likely take their fill. One way to control consumption is by establishing a global one world government dystopia where humans have minimal rights and are regulated by technologies such as artificial intelligence, social credit system, big data, universal digital ID etc. A system that uses technology to force us to behave in a more "righteous" way as determined by technocrats, intellectuals, elites and possibly the AI itself. This may be how the beast system will look like, who knows.
But even such a system could not succeed because the elites in control are still flawed humans and the artificial intelligence has no compassion or morals, it is just a cold calculating machine system.
Calling on a higher entity
So I began to think we need help from a higher entity, first I thought maybe advanced alien civilizations would help to save us from ourselves. However I began to feel a draw toward God, and I was a conservative nationalist at the time, so I began to explore religion and the first one was my local/national religion Christianity. I didn't make it further than that.
Initially I felt a draw to Catholicism, but mostly because they had been able to hold on to their conservative values far longer than some Protestant denominations. Also they were outwardly appealing, having many beautiful churches and such. But then I asked God to show me the truth about Catholicism, and I saw that it had many pagan and occult influences, as well as practices and traditions that went against what was taught in the Bible. I won't get more into it in this post.
How I started to believe
Next I saw a video posted on an imageboard, where a Baptist pastor told the once saved always saved gospel and asked people to say the sinner's prayer if they believed the gospel, so that they would be converted. I decided to believe the gospel and said the sinner's prayer along with the video. This was in spring 2019.
After believing and asking Jesus to save me, some things began to happen. First my convictions and opinions began to change to reflect more of what was in the Bible. I obviously also began to believe Jesus is Lord and the Bible is the Word of God. I used to be an emotional child, but my emotions began to be suppressed due to my parents divorce and bullying in primary school. However, after believing, I got my emotions back. I was able to feel joy again and even cry tears of joy, that was great. Then I developed a thirst and hunger for biblical and spiritual knowledge. I began to read and listen to the Bible and watch Christian sermons and other videos on YouTube.
Speaking in tongues, spiritual experiences and Gods calling
Sometime after believing, I saw some video about a girl praying in tongues and I was interested in this phenomenon. So I found a video on YouTube where a lady was leading people to pray for the gift of tongues. Before doing any prayers, I tried to speak gibberish to see if I could do it, but I couldn't really do it. Then I prayed for the gift of tongues and began to be filled by this energy, and suddenly I was able to speak in tongues. I also checked the comment section, and people were having similar experiences as me.
After this I began to have more spiritual experiences, and started to feel the presence of what I thought was God. For example once on a discussion forum I made a post calling people to God, and it felt like something helped me write the right words and it received a lot of support. There was also a lost Christian in the comments who maybe came back to God as well.
Then it felt as if God was calling me to do certain things. Like I had this somewhat popular YouTube channel that I had grown using immoral methods. First it felt like God wanted me to make a video on the channel about what I had been revealed to about the coming beast system. But I panicked and was too afraid to make that video. After this I started to feel this guilt about my channel, and it felt like I didn't deserve to have it, so I deleted the channel which was my main source of income. Immediately after deleting it, I applied to work at the post office and got the job. I thought this was a more honest way to earn a living.
But then it felt like God was calling me to give away all my money that I had received from the channel. I slowly started to give it away, but to be honest I was afraid. This was just months into my Christian journey, I was still a baby Christian and didn't have enough trust in God to provide.
The fruit of disobedience
When I didn't obey God by giving away the money and I was also still living in some sin (self-pleasuring but not watching porn), I began to get intrusive blasphemous thoughts. It felt like demons were tormenting me from the outside. When I closed my eyes I would see eyes floating around, like floaters. But I still loved God and wasn't too concerned about it.
One day I was sitting in bed, talking with the Holy Spirit and a strange thought came into my mind. I don't remember the exact thought, but it was something like "Obama is a vampire". Just something totally ridiculous. Most of the other intrusive thoughts were blasphemous, and I knew I shouldn't say them out loud. But then I thought what if I say "Obama is a vampire" out loud? God didn't warn me or anything, and I knew it was a lie, but then I just said it out loud because God forgives all sins anyway.
Next what happened was I felt this feeling of indescribable terror in my flesh and saw the word "UNFORGIVABLE" in the eye of my mind. After this I began to feel my soul or spirit being torn away from my body. I started to beg God for mercy, and after a while the feeling relented. God's presence was still there but something had changed. I tried singing a song to Him, but it felt like I was doing it out of fear and not love, to try to earn His favor. That's when I felt God turn His face from me and I no longer felt His presence. That's the last time I felt His presence, it was in October 2019.
Thrown to the wolves
God's presence was calming and good, but the next day I started feeling an evil presence. I began to now be tormented not from the outside like before, but from the inside. An evil spirit had entered me.
The next day I began to experience hallucinations, symptoms of what a secular doctor would describe as acute psychosis. The Bible was emanating some form of energy. Then I felt demons entering my body from various orfices. It was a surreal experience. But at this point I thought God had truly left me and I'd be taken over by demons, and they'd force me to do evil things.
So I decided it was time to end my life before they completely took over. I jumped in my car and drove at high speed without a seatbelt on against a wooden lightpole. I flew around in the car like clothes in a washing machine, but I didn't feel anything, no pain whatsoever. When the car stopped I crawled out of the passanger side window with not a single scratch on me, like nothing happened. The car was destroyed though.
A miracle had happened. But I still was in what I'd say was demon induced psychosis. So I wasn't done with trying to kill myself, and while walking on the side of the road I jumped infront of a moving van. This time I broke my arm and the guy called the authorities.
My stint at the psych ward
After the ambulance arrived I was sent to psych ward against my will. Although I didn't resist either, so I guess I was fine with that. While in the psych ward this evil entity tried to get me to do bad things to the other residents there. But I was able to resist its temptations. Then it switched gears, it pretended to be God Himself, and I was so desperate for any contact with God that I believed it. But it wasn't for no reason either, it was able to read my thoughts and insert thoughts into my mind, it was also able to move my body parts. It used my head to communicate with me, shaking it from left to right for "No" and moving it up and down for "Yes". Doing this publically obviously made me fit right in with the other mental patients. The demon also said "Jesus is come in the flesh" which I thought it couldn't say because of what's in 1 John 4:1-3.
During this time the demon made me experience all kinds of religious experiences, which were basically just hallucinations or other forms of deception. It made me experience what I thought was prophetic dreams, I saw New York being nuked in my dreams among other things. It also made me hallucinate that there was fire surrounding me. I didn't see it as my eyes were closed, but I felt the heat and heard the flames crackle around me. It basically took me through quite the trip.
It's goal was to use these deceptions to try to make me to sin against God. It made me into a false prophet. It gave me a date 7.7.2020 that it told me the rapture was going to happen. I made videos on YouTube (now removed) and tried to convince people the rapture was going to happen at this date, and that God told me this, but it wasn't from Him.
The deception was revealed
I got out of psych ward 6 months later and went back home. Then I was on an imageboard discussing things with this guy who I thought was a believer. I don't remember exactly how it went, but basically he told me stuff about his life, and then this evil spirit would tell me something about this guy and I shared this information with him. But it turns out that this guy was actually an unbeliever pretending to be a believer, trying to expose me, and he was right. He also said I have a demon, and he was right about that too.
This is when the first veil was lifted, I now knew this thing was not God, but it still had other layers of deception. Next it would pretend to be God by making me feel nice emotions, especially when saying nice things about God. Like it made me feel love toward Jesus, it made me feel joy and even some brief feelings of peace. But this was just to keep me deceived, and it worked for years.
Here is where I basically am. I haven't felt the real God's presence or guidance for over 3 years. I am worse off than I was at the beginning. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I am emotionally numb and my cognitive abilities (memory, intelligence and creativity) have declined due to this illness and the meds. I do not feel paranoid, my brain scan showed no trace of schizophrenia and there is no history of it in my family, so I believe it to be demon induced rather than a purely biological phenomenon.
I am deeply demoralized by my experiences in Christianity, and my motivation to actively seek Christ is very low as I get deceived at every turn by this evil spirit. God is nowhere to be found for me it seems.
But I want to give it a good try before I run out of steam completely. This blog is to function like a diary to document my Christian journey as I put the last of my energy toward seeking Christ. Hopefully He meets me at some point and I am restored, as I have seen happen with some other individuals.
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