May 11th, 2023 Diary: Prayer problems

I don't remember exactly when I woke up, but I got out of bed around 2:15pm after laying there for a long time while awake.

After getting up I grabbed cafe mocha, and looked outside. The weather was nice, around 20C (68F) temperature and the sun was shining. So I went out to hang out in my hammock for a while.

Bike ride

Then I decided to go for a longer bike ride, over 7km (4.3 miles). It wasn't too bad, a lot of straight roads and not too many hills, so I wasn't overly exhausted by it. Mind you this is with only a cup of cafe mocha and glass of water in my stomach, plus some vitamins. I left my phone at home to charge and update apps, as I forgot to charge it last night. So I didn't listen to the Bible or anything.

Prayer problems

I didn't pray my morning prayer because it just feels like a broken record, like I am repeating myself. When I pray most of the time nothing pops into my mind to ask for and I often have to force the prayer out, especially now that I am trying to schedule prayers in the morning and evening. Also none of my prayers seem to get answered, so that also discourages me from praying. Maybe I should just pray when I feel like it, rather than trying to schedule prayers.

YouTube

I did some keyword research for new video ideas and came up with some options. I also edited and uploaded a video that I had previously recorded. Making 1 video per day seems to be doable, because I mostly make short tutorials. But I want to make some longer videos as well.

Bible study

I listened to Mark 16 where some women visited the sepulchre where Jesus was buried, only to find the stone removed and Jesus had risen. Jesus then appeared to many people, but some had trouble believing these reports. Jesus also tells His disciples to preach the gospel to all the world, and says what signs will follow them who believe.

Intrusive thoughts

I had a lot of intrusive thoughts today, as well as compulsive thoughts about leaving Jesus. I don't want to leave God, but it just is so hard battling these thoughts every day. It's unending mental torment, and I'm afraid one day I'll just snap.

That's all for now. God bless.

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