May 3rd, 2023 Diary: Depressed

Last night I didn't sleep well at all, and today on Wednesday I woke up at around 9am, and got out of bed around 9:45am. This was planned however, as I volunteered  to take my aunt to the local health center for a check-up, as she can't drive her car due to a recent surgery.

I started the day with a morning prayer and cafe mocha. I had no breakfast as I am trying to lose weight.

While in town, I also gave my mom some tax forms I printed out for her, as she has no printer and doesn't even use the internet (she is quite old). Then I went to the grocery store to buy some food for myself and my aunt, while she was at the health center.

Today I felt really depressed and down, which led to me seeking comfort from sin. It's my fault, and it sucks that I do it, but it's hard for me to resist temptations as I don't feel God's presence, or experience His joy, love and peace. If I had that again, then I think I'd be more able to resist the temptations of sin. But of course, it's still my fault if I yield to the temptations. So I confessed my sins and asked God to forgive me and strengthen me. Hopefully one day He will, because I can't do this on my own strength.

After coming home from town, I went on a bike ride to check up on my dads place, as he is on vacation. I brought him his mail and watered some plants. Last time I was there, the freezer door seal had broken, and the alarm was going off. So I fastened it with some duct tape and today the alarm was off, so maybe I succeeded in my temporary fix. Either that or the alarm broke.

During my bike ride I had bad thoughts about God, really evil thoughts and I got angry at Him for abandoning me to this evil spirit. I am still angry as I thought God would never leave me or forsake me, that all sins were forgiven and that He would protect me. But it's like He is hiding from me, even though I try to come to Him, I still feel rejected and not accepted. Something must have gone wrong at some point.

Today I listened only to Mark 5 where Jesus casted out Legion, healed a sick woman and raised a 12 year old girl from the dead.

That's it for now. God bless.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How I became a hikikomori and later a hermit

When I was a child and in high school I had a group of friends. In primary school I was a bit bullied, but in high school I made friends with some more popular kids and the bullying reduced. We would drive our mopeds together, go to parties and later bars/clubs when I was over 18. However I have always had a loner side to me. Even when I was with friends, after a while I would yearn to be at home at my computer, playing games, chatting and surfing the web. In 2011 I went to Hong Kong to study Mandarin Chinese. Although in HK they speak mainly Cantonese. It was mostly a nice trip, I really like Hong Kong. The buildings are huge there and it's very densely populated. It's like a human ant hill. But then one day I went to McDonalds and bought a chicken burger. After this I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Luckily I had travel insurance because it would have cost like $3000 otherwise. However even after I was discharged, I still had stomach problems that just would...
Read more

Having trouble trusting in God

God says in the Bible that His followers who are faithful in the small things, will be entrusted with the big things. Should the same apply to God? If He is faithful in keeping His small promises like providing love, joy and peace (fruit of the Spirit), then we can also trust Him to provide the big promises like forgiveness of sin and eternal life. Right now I am not receiving the small promises, so does that mean I will not receive the big promises either? Or am I missing something, are there conditions to each promise that I am not meeting? Or have I somehow been excluded from these promises despite believing, like for example due to commiting some serious sin?  Because God keeps all His promises. So if I am not receiving them, then I either haven't done my part to receive them (which I think I have because I believe), or I have done something to be excluded from them (an unforgivable sin perhaps). That's all for now. God bless.
Read more