May 3rd, 2023 Diary: Depressed

Last night I didn't sleep well at all, and today on Wednesday I woke up at around 9am, and got out of bed around 9:45am. This was planned however, as I volunteered  to take my aunt to the local health center for a check-up, as she can't drive her car due to a recent surgery.

I started the day with a morning prayer and cafe mocha. I had no breakfast as I am trying to lose weight.

While in town, I also gave my mom some tax forms I printed out for her, as she has no printer and doesn't even use the internet (she is quite old). Then I went to the grocery store to buy some food for myself and my aunt, while she was at the health center.

Today I felt really depressed and down, which led to me seeking comfort from sin. It's my fault, and it sucks that I do it, but it's hard for me to resist temptations as I don't feel God's presence, or experience His joy, love and peace. If I had that again, then I think I'd be more able to resist the temptations of sin. But of course, it's still my fault if I yield to the temptations. So I confessed my sins and asked God to forgive me and strengthen me. Hopefully one day He will, because I can't do this on my own strength.

After coming home from town, I went on a bike ride to check up on my dads place, as he is on vacation. I brought him his mail and watered some plants. Last time I was there, the freezer door seal had broken, and the alarm was going off. So I fastened it with some duct tape and today the alarm was off, so maybe I succeeded in my temporary fix. Either that or the alarm broke.

During my bike ride I had bad thoughts about God, really evil thoughts and I got angry at Him for abandoning me to this evil spirit. I am still angry as I thought God would never leave me or forsake me, that all sins were forgiven and that He would protect me. But it's like He is hiding from me, even though I try to come to Him, I still feel rejected and not accepted. Something must have gone wrong at some point.

Today I listened only to Mark 5 where Jesus casted out Legion, healed a sick woman and raised a 12 year old girl from the dead.

That's it for now. God bless.

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