Husker Seeks

I have always been a bit of a pessimist by nature. It may even be genetic because my mom is the same way. I'm usually assuming the worst, an opposite to the optimism bias that humans tend to have. I guess that's part of why I found Jesus as I don't have hope in this world or human nature itself. Even before believing in the Gospel I thought humans were flawed creatures and we couldn't solve the problems of the world by ourselves. Right now we are moving toward a world where humans are more like robots, cogs in a technological machine that doesn't care about them. Humans care less and less about each other, or following any sort of morals. They will increasingly cheat, steal and throw their fellow man under the bus to get ahead in life. Once saved, always saved The Gospel I believed when I was originally converted was the "once saved, always saved" gospel, or OSAS. Some also refer to it as free grace theology. I thought it was beautiful that there was a goo...

Maybe I was ungrateful but I felt that my prayers weren't being answered for many years, not enough of them anyway. I also didn't gain much clarity on my spiritual situation until recently. However this compelled me to first question God's goodness and then question the validity of Christianity as a whole. I dove deep into atheist critiques of Christianity and deconstruction stories. After this mind-bending journey Christianity didn't make much logical sense to me. So I decided to not believe in the Bible anymore. While I logically didn't believe, some seed of faith remained in me for whatever reason. So I still believed on a deeper level, I just didn't want to accept it. Perhaps out of anger toward God and pride in my own philosophical ideas. Life outside the church Things didn't change that much from the mental and spiritual aspect. I do have a schizophrenia diagnosis, and it manifests as a demon, that didn't change for better or worse after I stopped ...

Some people have trouble believing in the miracles Jesus did in the Bible, because they think it's not physically or scientifically possible for them to happen. Personally I have no trouble believing in miracles, and one analogy that came to me was the video game analogy. We can compare the world to a video game simulation, and God is the game designer. As characters in this virtual world, they can only physically do what is allowed by the parameters defined by the game designer. But the game designer has access to the source code and developer tools, so he can do things that are not possible for regular characters, such as miracles and supernatural things. When you look at it this way, anything is possible with God.

When I was a child and in high school I had a group of friends. In primary school I was a bit bullied, but in high school I made friends with some more popular kids and the bullying reduced. We would drive our mopeds together, go to parties and later bars/clubs when I was over 18. However I have always had a loner side to me. Even when I was with friends, after a while I would yearn to be at home at my computer, playing games, chatting and surfing the web. In 2011 I went to Hong Kong to study Mandarin Chinese. Although in HK they speak mainly Cantonese. It was mostly a nice trip, I really like Hong Kong. The buildings are huge there and it's very densely populated. It's like a human ant hill. But then one day I went to McDonalds and bought a chicken burger. After this I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Luckily I had travel insurance because it would have cost like $3000 otherwise. However even after I was discharged, I still had stomach problems that just would...

I haven't really posted a lot of diary posts lately as I haven't been keeping up with my Bible reading and work outs, except biking. So there's not much to report.  I have made new videos daily on YouTube, except on Sunday. I didn't go to Church last Sunday. Unfortunately one Church I was interested in has their services at 11am, and they are like 40 minutes away. Usually I wake up between 12-3pm. Previously their services were at 4pm, so that would have fit me perfectly. Oh well, the search continues. Today I went on a biking trip down to town. I had some lunch at McDonalds and went to the grocery store to get some dessert and drinks. It was a nice trip, took maybe 3 hours altogether. My aerobic fitness is increasing slowly, which is good. I haven't had good aerobic fitness before in my life, I never liked cardio workouts.

I really feel as if I am falling away from the faith. I have so many questions about the Bible, but nobody can answer them to my satisfaction. It's a challenge remaining in the faith when you don't have God actively supporting you. I used to have some love, joy and peace in the beginning, but after I sinned against the Spirit, all of that went away and now it's just a struggle. I have the obligation to stay in the faith so I don't go to hell for sure, but I don't receive the benefits of Christianity such as abundant life, peace, joy, love and the rest of the fruit of the Spirit, among other things.  It feels like God is holding a grudge against me and wants me to fall away. Because He is barely lifting a finger to encourage me to continue in the faith. To be fair I did have two encouraging songs that came on my YouTube playlist at the right time, so maybe that was from God. I am mainly holding on because I have experienced a personal miracle that I believe was from ...