Husker Seeks

Some people have trouble believing in the miracles Jesus did in the Bible, because they think it's not physically or scientifically possible for them to happen. Personally I have no trouble believing in miracles, and one analogy that came to me was the video game analogy. We can compare the world to a video game simulation, and God is the game designer. As characters in this virtual world, they can only physically do what is allowed by the parameters defined by the game designer. But the game designer has access to the source code and developer tools, so he can do things that are not possible for regular characters, such as miracles and supernatural things. When you look at it this way, anything is possible with God.

When I was a child and in high school I had a group of friends. In primary school I was a bit bullied, but in high school I made friends with some more popular kids and the bullying reduced. We would drive our mopeds together, go to parties and later bars/clubs when I was over 18. However I have always had a loner side to me. Even when I was with friends, after a while I would yearn to be at home at my computer, playing games, chatting and surfing the web. In 2011 I went to Hong Kong to study Mandarin Chinese. Although in HK they speak mainly Cantonese. It was mostly a nice trip, I really like Hong Kong. The buildings are huge there and it's very densely populated. It's like a human ant hill. But then one day I went to McDonalds and bought a chicken burger. After this I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Luckily I had travel insurance because it would have cost like $3000 otherwise. However even after I was discharged, I still had stomach problems that just would...

I haven't really posted a lot of diary posts lately as I haven't been keeping up with my Bible reading and work outs, except biking. So there's not much to report.  I have made new videos daily on YouTube, except on Sunday. I didn't go to Church last Sunday. Unfortunately one Church I was interested in has their services at 11am, and they are like 40 minutes away. Usually I wake up between 12-3pm. Previously their services were at 4pm, so that would have fit me perfectly. Oh well, the search continues. Today I went on a biking trip down to town. I had some lunch at McDonalds and went to the grocery store to get some dessert and drinks. It was a nice trip, took maybe 3 hours altogether. My aerobic fitness is increasing slowly, which is good. I haven't had good aerobic fitness before in my life, I never liked cardio workouts.

I really feel as if I am falling away from the faith. I have so many questions about the Bible, but nobody can answer them to my satisfaction. It's a challenge remaining in the faith when you don't have God actively supporting you. I used to have some love, joy and peace in the beginning, but after I sinned against the Spirit, all of that went away and now it's just a struggle. I have the obligation to stay in the faith so I don't go to hell for sure, but I don't receive the benefits of Christianity such as abundant life, peace, joy, love and the rest of the fruit of the Spirit, among other things.  It feels like God is holding a grudge against me and wants me to fall away. Because He is barely lifting a finger to encourage me to continue in the faith. To be fair I did have two encouraging songs that came on my YouTube playlist at the right time, so maybe that was from God. I am mainly holding on because I have experienced a personal miracle that I believe was from ...

God says in the Bible that His followers who are faithful in the small things, will be entrusted with the big things. Should the same apply to God? If He is faithful in keeping His small promises like providing love, joy and peace (fruit of the Spirit), then we can also trust Him to provide the big promises like forgiveness of sin and eternal life. Right now I am not receiving the small promises, so does that mean I will not receive the big promises either? Or am I missing something, are there conditions to each promise that I am not meeting? Or have I somehow been excluded from these promises despite believing, like for example due to commiting some serious sin?  Because God keeps all His promises. So if I am not receiving them, then I either haven't done my part to receive them (which I think I have because I believe), or I have done something to be excluded from them (an unforgivable sin perhaps). That's all for now. God bless.

Back when I was still walking close with the Lord, I asked Jesus to come to work with me. The next day in the break room some random guy says "the king has arrived" and I believe Jesus was with me that day. I also felt His presence, it was so good that I almost dropped to my knees. I miss those days. Now I just feel like I did before I was a Christian, on a good day, but sometimes worse because this demon torments me.

Some years ago I was invited to a Zoom Bible study session about salvation. During this Bible study I had a sudden wicked thought, I am not sure where it came from. But it went like this "I want my brothers and sisters to go to hell with me".  What happened next was scary. When I was listening to the scriptures the pastor was quoting, I was thinking like "who actually believes this stuff?". It's like a veil of unbelief was covering my eyes and I could not see the truth anymore, like when I was an unbeliever. But then I realized what happened, and quickly repented of the thought, and my belief was restored. So I think if you can still honestly believe in Jesus Christ and know that the Bible is the true Word of God, then there is hope for you.