Husker Seeks

Some people have trouble believing in the miracles Jesus did in the Bible, because they think it's not physically or scientifically possible for them to happen. Personally I have no trouble believing in miracles, and one analogy that came to me was the video game analogy. We can compare the world to a video game simulation, and God is the game designer. As characters in this virtual world, they can only physically do what is allowed by the parameters defined by the game designer. But the game designer has access to the source code and developer tools, so he can do things that are not possible for regular characters, such as miracles and supernatural things. When you look at it this way, anything is possible with God.

When I was a child and in high school I had a group of friends. In primary school I was a bit bullied, but in high school I made friends with some more popular kids and the bullying reduced. We would drive our mopeds together, go to parties and later bars/clubs when I was over 18. However I have always had a loner side to me. Even when I was with friends, after a while I would yearn to be at home at my computer, playing games, chatting and surfing the web. In 2011 I went to Hong Kong to study Mandarin Chinese. Although in HK they speak mainly Cantonese. It was mostly a nice trip, I really like Hong Kong. The buildings are huge there and it's very densely populated. It's like a human ant hill. But then one day I went to McDonalds and bought a chicken burger. After this I got food poisoning and had to go to the hospital. Luckily I had travel insurance because it would have cost like $3000 otherwise. However even after I was discharged, I still had stomach problems that just would...

I haven't really posted a lot of diary posts lately as I haven't been keeping up with my Bible reading and work outs, except biking. So there's not much to report.  I have made new videos daily on YouTube, except on Sunday. I didn't go to Church last Sunday. Unfortunately one Church I was interested in has their services at 11am, and they are like 40 minutes away. Usually I wake up between 12-3pm. Previously their services were at 4pm, so that would have fit me perfectly. Oh well, the search continues. Today I went on a biking trip down to town. I had some lunch at McDonalds and went to the grocery store to get some dessert and drinks. It was a nice trip, took maybe 3 hours altogether. My aerobic fitness is increasing slowly, which is good. I haven't had good aerobic fitness before in my life, I never liked cardio workouts.

I really feel as if I am falling away from the faith. I have so many questions about the Bible, but nobody can answer them to my satisfaction. It's a challenge remaining in the faith when you don't have God actively supporting you. I used to have some love, joy and peace in the beginning, but after I sinned against the Spirit, all of that went away and now it's just a struggle. I have the obligation to stay in the faith so I don't go to hell for sure, but I don't receive the benefits of Christianity such as abundant life, peace, joy, love and the rest of the fruit of the Spirit, among other things.  It feels like God is holding a grudge against me and wants me to fall away. Because He is barely lifting a finger to encourage me to continue in the faith. To be fair I did have two encouraging songs that came on my YouTube playlist at the right time, so maybe that was from God. I am mainly holding on because I have experienced a personal miracle that I believe was from ...

God says in the Bible that His followers who are faithful in the small things, will be entrusted with the big things. Should the same apply to God? If He is faithful in keeping His small promises like providing love, joy and peace (fruit of the Spirit), then we can also trust Him to provide the big promises like forgiveness of sin and eternal life. Right now I am not receiving the small promises, so does that mean I will not receive the big promises either? Or am I missing something, are there conditions to each promise that I am not meeting? Or have I somehow been excluded from these promises despite believing, like for example due to commiting some serious sin?  Because God keeps all His promises. So if I am not receiving them, then I either haven't done my part to receive them (which I think I have because I believe), or I have done something to be excluded from them (an unforgivable sin perhaps). That's all for now. God bless.

Back when I was still walking close with the Lord, I asked Jesus to come to work with me. The next day in the break room some random guy says "the king has arrived" and I believe Jesus was with me that day. I also felt His presence, it was so good that I almost dropped to my knees. I miss those days. Now I just feel like I did before I was a Christian, on a good day, but sometimes worse because this demon torments me.

Some years ago I was invited to a Zoom Bible study session about salvation. During this Bible study I had a sudden wicked thought, I am not sure where it came from. But it went like this "I want my brothers and sisters to go to hell with me".  What happened next was scary. When I was listening to the scriptures the pastor was quoting, I was thinking like "who actually believes this stuff?". It's like a veil of unbelief was covering my eyes and I could not see the truth anymore, like when I was an unbeliever. But then I realized what happened, and quickly repented of the thought, and my belief was restored. So I think if you can still honestly believe in Jesus Christ and know that the Bible is the true Word of God, then there is hope for you.

There are some things that should happen after becoming a Christian that are listed in the Bible. For me these things are not coming true anymore (not the ones I want anyway). I did have some of them at the beginning, before I sinned against the Spirit. I think these are signs that I am cut off from God. Living life more abundantly (John 10:10) For me my life is worse than in the beginning, so I am not living life more abundantly. Peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7) I am not anxious, but I would not call this peace either, it's emotional numbness. I don't feel much anxiety and no sorrow, but I also feel no joy or love. But I can laugh at some funny stuff. Love that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:19) I don't feel love even for my own mother. Although I choose to care and love God and people, but I would not say it "surpasses knowledge". The fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, t...

I got out of bed around 12:30pm because we were supposed to have a family meeting at 1pm, but it got moved to 3pm. Meeting and mother's day Paid some bills online and went to my godfathers house for the family meeting. I got to see some of my family during this meeting. After the meeting I drove to the grocery store with my motorcycle to buy some ice cream for my mom as it's mother's day in my country. I also bought a beer and a sider to relax with later. I had dinner with my mom, we ate salad and steak with french fries, and the ice cream for desert. It was good. Intrusive thoughts Today was really rough in terms of intrusive thoughts. I read some comments that said thinking God is evil is the unforgivable sin, so this demon was shoving truckloads of intrusive thoughts about God being evil into my mind. But I still believe He is good although I have some questions regarding His goodness. God did some things in the Bible that I don't understand, here is a list of them ....

I feel no joy or sorrow, or any other emotions, just flat numbness. I can choose to love people and God intellectually, but I don't feel it emotionally. I feel very little enjoyment from anything, I think this is called anhedonia. I don't even get endorphines from working out, so it's just a lot of effort for very little reward.  I basically feel dead inside, my life is like eating rice and drinking water every day for every meal. No salt, no butter, just bland white rice and water. I am in some sort of spiritual prison. And that's when I am not tormented by intrusive thoughts, it gets worse when that happens. So it's really hard to motivate myself to do anything, when the reward for doing anything is near zero. This is not living life more abundantly. This is not having the fruit of the Spirit; love, joy and peace. The only evidence I am a Christian is that I believe in Jesus. I am a bad testimony of how God will fix your life. God's promises came true in the b...

I couldn't really sleep last night, so I woke up late and got out of bed around 1:30pm. God's providence For some it may sound crazy, but I believe God has been speaking to me through songs on YouTube. It has happened not once but twice now where I was in a bad spot mentally and spiritually that I just happened to hear very encouraging song lyrics. The timing was impeccable and it has increased my faith and hope, but I am still not restored. YouTube I once again made a short tutorial video on YouTube, so that I at least got some work done for the day. Exercise It's my exercise day today, where I do calisthenics. But I was a bit lazy so I did only 1 set of each exercise with no breaks in between. So it was kind of like high intensity training. I wasn't as exhausted as I usually am, so my aerobic fitness has increased. Bible study I listened to Luke 2 which tells about the birth of Jesus in Bethlehem, how He grew up and had a lot of wisdom even as a child. Other stuff T...

I was binge watching some videos from an atheist on YouTube who was trying to poke holes in Christianity. After the last video of his that I watched, I saw a song that I had recently heard on my YouTube playlist called All Over Again by Bryan Kearney & Plumb in the recommended videos. So I decided to listen to it and fast forwarded the song, and the following lyrics came at me: And you can hear my still small voice, Saying I love you, you're forgiven, and you are mine You are mine This is the second time this has happened to me in a few days. The last time I recorded it in this post , but it was a different song that time, Umbrella by Rihanna (Skeler Remix) .

Today on Friday I got up from bed around 12:20pm and had my usual breakfast of cafe mocha and vitamins. I took a look outside and the weather was nice and warm, the sun was shining again.  Prayers I didn't do a morning prayer today, I think I am going to pray when I feel the need to do so, rather than scheduling prayers and forcing myself to pray. I think one genuine prayer is better than a dozen forced prayers. YouTube I quickly recorded and edited a YouTube video while having my cafe mocha. So I got some work done at least. Long bike ride I decided to take a long bike ride down to town because the weather was nice. The ride down went well, I didn't even break a sweat. I decided to go to McDonalds to get some lunch. After that I went to the grocery store to buy some beer and other drinks to relax with later today. On the way home I went to check on my old primary school, but it was torn down, it seems they are building something new there. The way back was much more exhausting...

I don't remember exactly when I woke up, but I got out of bed around 2:15pm after laying there for a long time while awake. After getting up I grabbed cafe mocha, and looked outside. The weather was nice, around 20C (68F) temperature and the sun was shining. So I went out to hang out in my hammock for a while. Bike ride Then I decided to go for a longer bike ride, over 7km (4.3 miles). It wasn't too bad, a lot of straight roads and not too many hills, so I wasn't overly exhausted by it. Mind you this is with only a cup of cafe mocha and glass of water in my stomach, plus some vitamins. I left my phone at home to charge and update apps, as I forgot to charge it last night. So I didn't listen to the Bible or anything. Prayer problems I didn't pray my morning prayer because it just feels like a broken record, like I am repeating myself. When I pray most of the time nothing pops into my mind to ask for and I often have to force the prayer out, especially now that I am t...

Last night I was feeling a bit down and had a moment when I didn't feel my faith. But then on my YouTube playlist there was the song Umbrella by Rihanna that popped up (it was a remix), and the lyrics were really encouraging to me. I don't know if that was God trying to reach out to me or not, but it gave me some hope. I know Rihanna is not Godly music, but I believe God can use anything for His purposes. Fasting Today on Wednesday I got out of bed 12:30pm and continued my fast which I started yesterday evening. I had a glass of water with some iodized salt and baking soda. Ideally I would have sea salt and add potassium chloride powder as well. This is to help keep a good electrolyte balance in my body while fasting.  However I was tempted to sin and gave in to the temptation, so I ruined my fast. I am so weak. But a just man falls seven times and gets up, so I confessed my sin and want to do better in the future. I will move my fast to a future date, preferably when I have al...

In October 2019 I sinned against the Holy Spirit by lying to Him, similar to what Ananias and Sapphira did in Acts 5. The only difference is that God had mercy on me and did not kill me physically, possibly because I begged for mercy. However I still feel spiritually dead, and I have no connection to God. Over the past 3 years I have done many things to try and reconnect with God, to reach out to Him. But I have only been met with silence, or been deceived by this demon who pretended to be God, and out of desperation I believed it. I have fasted and prayed, I have tried to live as sin free as possible, I have tried deliverance several times to remove this demon and I have asked probably hundreds of people to pray for me. All these efforts have yielded zero results. This has been very discouraging and demotivating. In the beginning of this whole ordeal, I had lots of faith but that has diminished because nothing ever happens and nothing changes. God seems to either be done with me or He...

After I posted the last blog post yesterday I had some really tough temptations to sin that didn't go away, so I ended up caving in and sinning. I confessed my sin and trying my best to repent, but without God helping it is difficult to live the way He wants us to. Today on Tuesday I got out of bed around 1:20pm and my friend had called me. He was living with his parents but kind of got kicked out and now he has to find a new apartment. I would ask anyone who is reading this to please pray for my friend, that he forgive his parents and that his parents forgive him, and that his life gets sorted out. YouTube I drove to the store to buy some food and drinks, and then went back home. After I came back home I recorded 3 YouTube videos, and edited and published one of them. Bible study I listened to Mark 14 where Jesus had the last supper and was betrayed by Judas. Peter also denied Jesus three times before the cock crew twice. Workout I did my basic workout. Pull-ups. Set 1: 5 pull-ups...

I was having a hard time getting sleep last night, so today on Monday I overslept and woke up around 2-3pm, got out of bed a bit after 3:15pm. Not good but at least I had a nice dream about me being in Japan (I have never been there). It wasn't the intrusive thoughts this time that caused the sleeplessness, I was just tossing and turning for hours unable to sleep. For breakfast I grabbed my usual cafe mocha and a yogurt again. I am thinking of fasting for 3 days drinking only salt water, mostly for health reasons but I could do some praying at the same time. YouTubing I made a short video for one of my YouTube channels, which is more than I have done in months. I also answered some comments. My channel has been growing by itself, I haven't done anything to it in months, except answering some comments. That's great, now I am a bit more motivated to continue growing the channel. Bible reading I went on a walk and listened to Mark 10-13 today. There Jesus talks about a lot of ...

Today on Sunday I got out of bed around 1pm, but woke up earlier than that. I had my usual breakfast plus some yogurt, but forgot my morning prayer, however I did pray later during the day. I should really do it before I even get out of bed, or else I will forget. My memory is terrible these days. I didn't do much during the day, other than write this blog post about a miracle I experienced. Then later during the day I originally planned to go to a Pentecostal church service, but I started to feel less motivated to do so, due to some posts I read online about quenching the Holy Spirit. It's for good reason God judges people by the words that come out of their mouth. For someone who is weak, even a single negative post can affect them profoundly. So I want to encourage people to be encouraging rather than sowing despair. We don't know the true fate of anyone and we don't know how strong they are, so it's better to have a positive outlook while also being honest, or ...

After I sinned against the Holy Spirit and God's presence departed from me, I began to experience what some may call acute psychosis. I had severe hallucinations which convinced me that God had left me, and demons were about to take over. They showed me images in my mind of me doing evil things to my family members. So I decided it would be best if I just ended my life before that happens. I jumped in my car, and went driving toward a long road where I could pick up lots of speed. I had no seatbelt on and drove my car at over 120km/h (75mph) against a wooden lightpole. I was thrown around in the car like clothes in a washing machine, but I felt no pain in my body. When the car stopped, I crawled out of the passanger side window, and I still felt no pain and didn't have a scratch on me. The car was destroyed though. I believe that God supernaturally protected me and spared my life. For what reason I don't know, as I am still trying to reach out to Jesus but experience only s...

This Saturday I woke up at around 1pm but only got out of bed 1:45pm. My motivation to do stuff is really low right now. I had a cafe mocha and vitamins for breakfast, but no food. Last night was rough, a lot of intrusive thoughts, but I managed to sleep OK. I was a little bit tired when waking up. Today I went to the store again to buy some water. The tap water in my house is not the best, it has a slight metallic aftertaste if you drink it, especially if you don't let the water run for 15-20 seconds. I still use it for cafe mocha, tea and other flavoured drinks though. Not sure if that's good or not. I'm thinking of going to the Pentecostal church service tomorrow on Sunday. I don't agree with all their beliefs and customs, but there isn't really a better church nearby, so I might as well go. At least the pastor is not a woman this time. I listened to Mark 8 where Jesus fed 4000 men and restored a mans sight. Peter also calls Jesus the Christ in this chapter, and ...

Woke up earlier than usual this Friday, but I still laid in bed until about 1:20pm. This time I also remembered my morning prayer. For breakfast I had only cafe mocha and vitamins, as I am still trying to lose weight, albeit I'm not that good at doing it. Later I went to get my mom to take her to the ATM, but her credit card was declined because she had entered the wrong PIN code too many times. After this I took her back home, and went to the store to buy some groceries. I ate a small hamburger and some chips, not the healthiest meal but it was tasty. Today I listened to Mark 7 where Jesus criticized the Pharisees for holding traditions of men above the commandments of God. Reminds me a bit of Catholics and Orthodox, who hold their unbiblical traditions in very high regard, even on the same level as the Bible. Jesus also said nothing that goes into a man defiles him, but that which comes out of the mouth defiles a man. So I interpret that as we can eat what we want basically, as l...

I don't remember when I went to sleep, but I slept OK and woke up around 1-2pm, but got out of bed around 2:15pm. Not good, but it could be worse I guess. I had my morning vitamins and cafe mocha. Today was not a productive day, I was still feeling a bit demotivated and depressed. So I didn't do much. But I did write a post about my experiences with demonic possession and mental illness . Around 8pm I went to the store and bought some food, snacks and a few drinks. I don't think drinking alcohol is sin, but getting drunk is, so I know my limits. Alcohol helps me to relax, so I enjoy a few drinks 1-2 times per week. My goal is to reduce it to once a week on Friday, but I felt I needed it today. I wish God would help with that, as He did before. I listened to Mark 6 in the Bible. There Jesus healed some people in His home town but the people were skeptical as they didn't know Him as a prophet. Jesus also sent out His disciples and gave them power to cast out unclean spiri...

I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I believe it to be of demonic origin rather than biological or genetic. The way I experience this condition, is that there is a second entity living in my mind and body. I found this article some time ago and it talks about how to differentiate schizophrenia from demonic possession in light of the Bible. 1. Attraction to vs. Aversion to Religion. Demons want nothing to do with Christ. Conversely, people with NBD (Neurobehavioural Disability) are often devoutly religious.  This entity says it hates God but at the same time it also pretends to be God, and has made me feel emotions of love toward Jesus to manipulate me into believing it is God. 2. Irrational Speech vs. Rational Speech. In New Testament accounts involving demons, the demons spoke in a rational manner. Untreated people with schizophrenia will often speak in nonsense and jump rapidly between unrelated topics.  I seem to be able to discuss things rationally. To most...

Last night I didn't sleep well at all, and today on Wednesday I woke up at around 9am, and got out of bed around 9:45am. This was planned however, as I volunteered  to take my aunt to the local health center for a check-up, as she can't drive her car due to a recent surgery. I started the day with a morning prayer and cafe mocha. I had no breakfast as I am trying to lose weight. While in town, I also gave my mom some tax forms I printed out for her, as she has no printer and doesn't even use the internet (she is quite old). Then I went to the grocery store to buy some food for myself and my aunt, while she was at the health center. Today I felt really depressed and down, which led to me seeking comfort from sin. It's my fault, and it sucks that I do it, but it's hard for me to resist temptations as I don't feel God's presence, or experience His joy, love and peace. If I had that again, then I think I'd be more able to resist the temptations of sin. But o...

I woke up a bit earlier this Tuesday, around 1-2pm vs. 3pm yesterday. It's not good but still an improvement. My sleep was OK, although last night I felt weird and had a lot of intrusive thoughts.  I started my day with a morning prayer and having my vitamins and a cafe mocha. My cafe mocha is basically combining a teaspoon of instant coffee with 5 teaspoons of chocolate powder, then add some hot water, stir and fill up the mug with milk. Delicious, I am a bit addicted to it. As this is my workout day, I did some pull-ups, push-ups and leg raises. I tried to do 2 sets of each exercise. Pull-ups 1 x 5 + 1 x 3 and then 2 reverse pull-ups. Push-ups 2 x 10 with knuckles. I can't do regular push-ups because my left hand doesn't bend enough due to it having been broken in an incident. So I have to either do knuckle push-ups or use a push-up board or stands. Leg raises 2 x 15 to strengthen my abs and lower back. At the end of my exercise, I drank a protein and carb drink. Today wa...

Today was a Monday and I woke up very late, got out of bed probably around 3pm. I am still unemployed and not in education, so I live like a NEET. But I did do something. I went out for a walk and listened to the Bible, Matthew 21-25, and over half of Matthew 26. My memory sucks and I was getting intrusive thoughts while listening to the scriptures, which doesn't help in remembering them. But I do remember that it was about the parable of the kings wedding and the parable of the talents. Jesus was also telling about future events where false christs will arise. Then I got back home and began to write my first post on this blog. My plans for this week are the following: - Blog at least three posts - Listen to the Bible more, I am not the biggest reader - Pray in the morning and evening, and thank God for my meals - Ride my bike and go out for walks to improve my aerobic fitness - Calisthenics on Tuesday and Saturday to restore my upper body strength - Start studying cybersecurity o...

In this post I will write how I came to Jesus and what happened to me as a baby Christian. I am not the best writer, so sorry for that in advance. First of all I was not born into a devout Christian family. My father left the church the same year I was born, my mother is still in the church but she has a more theist view of Christianity. She believes God is real, and respects Jesus, but does not believe He is the Son of God. Personally I wasn't taught much about God in my early years, but then in primary school I did get top marks in my religion course and I wanted to join the church because all my friends were in it. But that didn't happen, and I remained more of an agnostic for most of my life. Seeking the truth I have always been somewhat of a truth seeker, but I was doing it outside of religion. So I became aware of many problems that humanity has. For example our industrial civilization is consuming too many of our finite resources (oil, coal, gas, minerals etc) and pollut...